My heart hurts today. I can't seem to shake the tears or the aching in my gut. The unthinkable happened to some of our own and their precious loves.
Yesterday I was at my track out job and talk of yesterdays tragedy was in the air. One person in particular kept doing walk by updates to give us the "facts." It almost sent me over the edge. I had to step outside several times to compose myself so that I wouldn't break down and cry. If I had broken down I would have been met with sympathy, but I didn't feel as safe as I would have with my school family, or my blogging family for that matter. They wouldn't have understood.
I considered asking to go home so that I could crawl into my bed and grieve.
Instead I had a party to attend. So I put on a happy face, but my insides were churning.
I had always believed that a domestic dispute would be our greatest threat, or like 2 years ago whena nearby home was robbed and the intruder went on foot.
We hid at the front of the room, put black paper over the door. One of my students said that he had a black belt and would like to take on the bad guy. I was mad because two of my boys wouldn't stop giggling, but I wasn't concerned for their safety, only ill because they weren't following directions.
Now I have a new set of fears.
I am sad, sorrowful, hurting.
But I am also angry, enraged, irate.
Tomorrow I will be silent. But under the surface I am heartbroken and raging.
And when I return to school in January, I will hug my 22 rays of sunshine and value the time we have together to laugh, and learn, and love one another.